I've had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.
I don't excercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.
The fashion magazines are suggesting that women wear clothes that are 'age appropriate.' For me that would be a shroud.
My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash.
I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.
I'm grateful for every day I'm still alive. Everything is still working. I attribute it to eating a lot of processed foods. I think it's the preservatives that keep me going.
My husband wanted to be cremated. I told him I'd scatter his ashes at Neiman Marcus - that way, I'd visit him every day.
Look at Gwyneth Paltrow being named the most beautiful this year. She got Helen Keller and Stevie Wonder to vote.
My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese. Most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.
I said to my mother-in-law, “My house is your house.” She said, “Get the hell off my property.”